“The child id father with the man ,”said William Wordsworth , and we coudent agree more that childhood experiences lay important foundations for adult sexuality .Unfortunately , same of us came from dysfuntional families where we experienced physical , verbal ,or sexual abuse . These are many reasons why children are abuse .Emotionaly disturbed and alcohol - drug dependent parents often terrorize their children simply becouse they are at the handiest objects. Same parents sexually exploit their children “ Rape” more subtle damage occurs when children are brought up in families where parents and children are hide all feelings from ones another , performing only the mechanics of fimily lifes as thougt they were actors on a stage . No wonder children born into thsese families grow up with a well - honed mistrust , and in adulthood , become overcontrolled in love and sex .
A few gay men blame their homosexuality on an abusive father , but this notion is merely internalized HOMOPFOBIA . more often ones finds gay men feeling guilty about they erotic life .Oddly , same same men counter these feelings by an obsessive sexual feast composed of nameless men and blank faces, night after unsatisfying night. Oone such man said that for him it was “ affection at any price “ . A few men solve their conflicting sexual feelings through celibacy , others by carefully controlling whats sexual acts they ´ll perform ,usually a limited lot. But all these men suffer one limitation in common: they CANNOT feel intimate with anothe man . Control becomes their substitute for vulnerability , even when they are in arms of a loving caring partner .
The problem is how to get them to to separate early abuse from adult suaxuality . A number of obstacles intervene . A man may choose lovers every bit as abusive as his father .
Friends sadly marvel at the phenomenon , seeing their best counsel ignored while their friends runs from one abusive lover to the next .
But most men choose lovers more wisely . Even so, their sex life may be strained and rigid. The instrument of pleasure ( the body ), is also that wich its hold the pain.” means that the formerly abuse man cant let go sexuality , becouse by doing so , he ´ll reexperience the painful abuse of childhood .It is as if his memory were contained within his muscles , rather than in his brain. Memories of being abused may return during sex with a lover , perhaps as a quick flashback or in reaction to smelling and article of clothings. psychologistic call these reminder triggers.
if you were abused in childhood ,you should consider looking into psychotherapy and joining a support group . If your memory of that abuse its interfering with your sex life with your lover, ask him to be a part of the therapeutic process. Otherwise , he´llhave trouble understanding how can you be ashamed and uptight at the same time your aroused . You may understand that your discomfort isnt your parteners foult , but he may not.
In the meantime there are things that you and your partner can do to help bring more complete trust into the relationship ...
- from the book “ The new joy of gay sex
- Ph Sergio Gravier
- https://www.facebook.com/SergioGravier
